A Greedy Teen, Two Brothers, and a Cat
by Eladard Kikur
Summary: A weirdo "Christmas Carol" spinoff about everyone's favorite selfish swordsman: Marth!
1. But Why Is All The Ink And Paper Gone?

It was a fine wintery day. The snow was falling pleasantly, then suddenly it disappeared. The snow got replaced by a picture of a baseball field. Turned out that it was a screensaver. Ness decided to take advantage of the upcoming holiday by searching for Christmas-themed fanfiction. He went to print out one when an error message appeared on the screen.

"What the? _'Cannot print job(s). Please check to see if there is paper.'_ Sigh, all right then."

Ness checked and found out that there was no paper in the printer. He went to place a new stack inside, but found there to be none left. Not giving up his quest to print out the story, Ness ripped out some paper from a school notebook. After completing the side job, he resumed the print job. Again, an error message came to antagonize the user.

"Huh!? _'Cannot print job(s). Please check the ink levels and replace if necessary.'_ What now?"

Clicking on the printer icon to check the ink, Ness' jaw dropped to the floor as he discovered the new problem. There was no ink at all! Searching for a new cartridge of ink only to find none, Ness gave in to the defeat.

"Whomever was the last one to use the computer is such a printer hog!" Ness cried out in despair.

* * *

Skipping down the hallway in such high spirits with an armload of packets of paper, Marth greeted every person with the packet. It was neatly stapled together and the pages were stacked oh so neatly. Each person who received it looked befuddled at the large stack.

"Hi Ma--"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS! Here ya go, Linkstah!" Marth handed the Hylian the packet and resumed skipping. He met Falco's scowl and went up to him.

"Look! It's _Martha_! Did you just get through a 30-hour marathon of _Ma Vie en Rose_ again?"

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Falco buddy! Take this and have a wonderful day!" He skipped until Kirby appeared.

"Marth, could you help me with the lights?"

"Certainly, Kirby-wurby-furby! Have a glance at this while I get teh lights up!"

"Oh no… Did you just say 'teh'?!" cried Kirby.

This was a bad sign. When placing emphasis on something, most people say "the" (pronounced "thee"). Now there're a few types of people who usually say "teh" (which doesn't apply to everyone like most things): Internet users who typed fast and made the typo, internet users who think that it's leet ("leet" spelled with 3's instead of E's or as the number one thousand, three hundred thirty-seven) internet users being "lamers" (trying to be "leet"), individuals under the influence of sugar and/or caffeine, mentally unstable folks and just plain hyper people. The word "teh" usually isn't spoken aloud

It's safe to say that Marth fell under either number 4, 5, or 6. He didn't bother answering Kirby's question and took off to find another person to hand out the stack to. Suddenly, Ness spotted him.

"Hey! So THAT'S how the printer got abused!" cried out Ness. "What were you doing?!"

"Here you go! I was writing out and printing copies of my Christmas list to give out to all the Smashers!" answered Marth.

"Wow! It's heavy! Did you _hafta_ go and describe everything so that we know what you're looking for?" asked Ness.

"Goodness, no! It just lists everything I want!"

"That's a lotta stuff then…" Ness suddenly fell backwards and fainted.

* * *

"FOOLS! C'mere," said Master Hand. Unlike Marth, who was usually gloomy, Master Hand didn't turn from an evil being to a cheerful soul during the season. Being evil _is_ his cheerfulness.

"What is--- WAH-CHOO! What is it?" sniffled Roy. He loved Christmas just as much as everyone else, but he hated the winter season and its associated weather. He looked like he put on a lot of weight because he was wearing about 4 layers of clothing… while indoors. Not to mention a nice thick blanket wrapped around him.

"There's a 24-hour marathon of 'A Christmas Story'! Rejoice! Rejoice, mortals! Rejoice!" said Master Hand. He then disappeared to go watch it.

"And I've got good news too!" answered Marth. He handed out the rest of the stacks to the other Smashers he didn't get to before. "I've got my Christmas list ready and I expect you all to get me every single thing on it!" He grinned happily in that cutesy anime-style.

"How. Much. Stuff. Is. _IN._ Here?!" panicked Capt. Falcon.

"After going over it and checking it 53 times, I say exactly 4,375 items."

"4,375 ITEMS?!" exclaimed everyone as they did the anime fall.

"Dude, you're so stingy!" said Young Link

"How the heck do you suppose that you'll get all that?!" added Mr. Game & Watch.

"Yeah, not to mention that your birthday's a week after Christmas as well!" chimed in Popo.

"Relax, guys. I trust you'll all get it done."

Just then, Eliwood came into the room.

"Who's got Donkey Konga out?!" exclaimed the Pheraen marquess.

"No one right now," said Samus. "Check this out." She showed Roy's father the huge list and his eyes were ready to pop out of his head.

"Holy crap! Where'd you get that list at?!" he exclaimed.

"It's Marth's," Samus answered.

"…Did you save that on the computer, Marth?" asked Eliwood.

"Yeah, why?"

"What was the file's size?"

"I think it was a little over a meg." The list also had pictures of each item, which was why the file was larger than a text-only version.

Eliwood's answer to that was a string of unmentionable profanity that would never appear in a G-rated fic unless it was asking to be removed from the site. After his colorful reply, Lord Eliwood fainted.

"Eliwood! Are you ok?!" asked Marth's sister, Ellis. She too was staying in the Smash Mansion along with Eliwood and some other friends and family of the Smashers. She went to fetch a wet rag for him.

As all of this was going on, a black kitty was outside peering in.


	2. Stay Frosty

Outside the Smash Mansion, Lilina and Wolt were dragging out a kicking and screaming Roy. Despite his usual jolly nature, he absolutely hated going outside in the snow. Roy's pleas for help have gone unheard.

"Lemme go, guys!" Roy grasped.

"C'mon! We should all build a giant snowman!" said Wolt.

"Over my dead body!"

"Yeah, we should! This'll be fun, Roy!" said Lilina.

"Can I go inside and fetch the carrots and other food to use to make the snowman's face?" Roy asked slyly.

"Nope! We know your intentions! _I'll_ go get the stuff. Stay Roy boy!" Wolt snickered a bit under his breath.

"Don't," warned Roy. "Thank St. Elimine that my name ain't 'Marth'. That'd be so horrible!"

"To you, it isn't because you call him 'Martha' a lot," said Lilina. "I'll stay with Roy to make sure that he doesn't try to run back inside, ok?"

Wolt took off to get the supplies while Lilina started to make a snow angle. She looked up at Roy with concern, because he wouldn't join her.

"Make a snow angle with me," she said.

"No thanks," Roy growled.

"Why not?"

"Cuz I have chionophobia," he mumbled.

"Then how come you're not panicking and jumping up into that tree to get out of the snow or something?" Lilina asked suspiciously.

"Blast!" Roy thought a bit then decided to try something else. "The snow'll aggravate my Raynaud's disease. You know why winter makes my body hurt like crazy? That's why."

"Ha!" Roy jumped back in surprise. "I've known you forever and I've _yet_ to see your skin turn white, blue, and red. Nice try, though."

"I'm back!" Wolt was carrying a box of different foods to use. Roy reached inside and pulled out a handful of carrots and began to scarf them down.

"…Roy?" Wolt asked while narrowing his eyes and doing the anime-style sweatdrop.

"Mmm… mmm… mmm…"

"Sigh, great. Now our snowman'll go about without a nose," Wolt said just as Roy was finishing up appeasing his hunger.

"We could try using this candy bars…" Lilina said. An alarm went off in Roy's mind and he lunged for the box.

"CANDY BARS?! MIIIIINE! NYAH-HA-HA-HA!!!"

Roy's friends tried to hold him back to prevent him from eating the rest of the snowmen supplies when they all got ambushed by a barrage of snowballs.

"Attack, minions! ATTACK!!!"

Young Link charged at the group along with the Ice Climbers and Ness. They bombarded the group with snowballs and fled.

"Ok, _that_ was random!" said Lilina.

"Yeah… Who're those munchkins, anyways?" asked Wolt.

"GAHH!" Roy fell over and landed face down in the snow.

"Ohmigosh! Roy! What's wrong?!" cried Lilina as she rushed to Roy's side.

"…I feel hungry again. Ugh…"

* * *

The rest of the Smashers weren't too thrilled about Marth's list. No matter how much they tried talking to him, he would not narrow the list down. It was basically how he was. The only thing Marth cared about was himself. He just wanted lots of material possessions and money. Not to mention that he was more stubborn than a mule, so talking would not do at all.

" Um... Marth..." said Geno.

"Hmm? Yes, what is it?" asked Marth.

"DANG! THAT'S BLOODY HUGE," shouted Geno after looking at the list.

"But of course!"

"Um… Marth… You know you're never gonna get all that," Mallow said meekly, hoping that the greedy Altean wouldn't get infuriated with him.

"I will _too_ get all of that! After Christmas, I'm a-gonna make a list of things I want for my birthday! It's gonna be twice as long as this one!" Marth taunted. He rubbed his dainty hands together, smirking avariciously as he thought of all the presents he'll receive.

"Say, Geno? What was that one Christmas cartoon about that little kid that had all these toys and asked Santa for even more, only to have them delivered to some random country?" asked Mallow.

"I don't remember, why?"

"That's _nothing_ compared to Marth!"

"What're you saying about wonderful ol' me?" asked the blue-haired lord.

"Nothing! By the way… when IS your birthday?" Mallow asked.

"The first of next month."

"…And you're going to make a longer list for that when it'll come right after Christmas? That's… inhuman!" cried Geno.

"It's one of the many pleasures of being royalty, peon," Marth sighed contently.

"I'm royalty too, but I don't act all selfish like that!" protested the young Nimbus Lander.

"Are you the older or younger sibling?" Marth asked him.

"Neither. I'm an only child."

"Say WHAT?! You should be spoiled rotten like me then!" Marth then muttered softly to himself "…Even though I'm the baby in the family."

"Well, to each his own, I guess…," said Mallow.

"Yeah… Hey wait. Where'd you get those holiday cookies at?!" Marth inquired.

"The living room. They have tables out with different stuff on it."

"I don't feel like going over there right now, so hand them over, Fluffy!" demanded the teen.

Mallow tried to turn away from Marth, who was trying to grab the cookies. Geno just watched while heaving a sigh.

"Marth? There's a little something you should know about Nimbus Landers…," started Geno.

"Not-ugh!-now, Chucky! Dangit! Gimme the cookies!"

"But it's for your own--"

"Gimme the cookies NOW!"

Poor ignorant Marth. He should have lent an ear to Geno. A few seconds later, Marth was in for a literal shock as he got electrocuted by Mallow. What Geno was trying to say to him was that when Mallow gets frightened, his body begins to build up electricity. If one were to physically touch him in any way (like grab his arm, which was what Marth was doing), then that person'll get shocked badly. Marth collapsed onto the floor while Mallow ran off. Geno shook his head and followed his friend.

Again, the black kitty that was outside watched the whole thing happen from its place by the window. It was still there from earlier and showing signs of not budging from its post.


	3. No, Kitty!

**Author's Note: The black kitty is a referrence to a funny fic I've read a while ago. Sadly, it's no longer up.**

* * *

The little black kitty that was watching our selfishly narcissistic friend decided to leave its perch. The kitty leaped throughout the snow like a little kitty-bunny towards a tree. Beside the tree was a large blue-haired man with a matching moustache. The man was watching Roy, Lilina, and Wolt play in the snow. The trio was oblivious to this stranger's surveillance, as if he wasn't there at all. The kitty pounced up onto the man's knee while the man was consuming a warm potpie.

"Meow!" the kitty called the man sweetly.

"No, Kitty! This is my potpie!" said the man. He moved the potpie away from the kitty's reach.

"Meow!"

"No! It's _mine_!"

"Meow!"

"Go away, Kitty! No!"

"Meow!"

"Gosh darn it, Kitty! This is my potpie! It ain't yours!" shouted the man.

"Brother, you really need to work on your manners," said another man. He looked a little younger than the potpie guy did.

"But that blasted cat wanted my potpie!" exclaimed the potpie guy.

"Doesn't that cat look familiar…?" the other guy wondered aloud.

The kitty looked at one brother, then to the other one.

"It's just a darn kitty that wants my darn potpie!!!"

"Meow! I kinda had a slight problem and mispronounced something and de ja vu again! This time _I'm_ the black kitty! Let's hope that nobody tries to teach him how to shoot an arrow again… I'd hate to be that one kitty like that one time, remember that?" said the kitty. Both men looked at the kitty in disbelief.

"Wait a minute… I remember that one time we were all traveling and that Super Nerd was being stalked by those cats and Little Red Riding Hood was laughing at that one's fate and Super Nerd got all evil and crazy… You should have been there, Brother. Pretty weird, though," said the potpie guy.

"Su-Super Nerd?!" the kitty exclaimed. It was definitely offended by the potpie guy's comment. "If I wasn't stuck in this form, I'd hex you up with one of the spells! I may not be able to cast spells right now, but I can still put those Elder Magic books to good use! Throw the book at you, like a judge!"

"Brother? Doesn't this cat sound like… like…?" the other man started to say.

"Like who?"

"Canas?"

"Oh? What do you mean?"

"Well, he's the only one who says 'Elder Magic' instead of 'Dark Magic'… Whatever happen to the guy?"

"I've heard that he died in a freak snowstorm somewhere in Ilia…"

"Yes, that's true!" cried the cat.

Both men screamed, causing Roy and his friends to look over at the tree. They didn't see anyone or anything, but they heard the screams.

"Sorry about that, gentlemen. I've been spying on this young lad who's got the Scrooge bug for some time now. Perhaps we should play Christmas ghosts on him, no?" asked Canas the Cat.

"What?! I'm NOT going to go around dragging chains and wearing sheets over my head! Make me and I'll skin you alive!" shouted the potpie guy.

"Technically, you can't because I'm a ghost," replied Canas.

"Blast it!" cursed the potpie guy.

"Brother, it should be a good idea. Heck, we'll be teaching the lad some Christmas spirit by actually BEING spirits!" said the younger-looking guy.

"I don't want to. Not no way, not no how!"

"I'll haunt Lilina and tell her embarrassing stories about you during the adventure," threatened the guy.

"No! Please! Don't tell her--"

"Like the time Huey got your arm…" grinned the guy slyly.

"Ah-hahahaha! You got attacked by an innocent lil' pegasus!" laughed the feline shaman.

"Shut up!" shouted the potpie guy.

"Or the time you ran at the enemy and crashed into Merlinus' tent and got entangled in it…"

"I still get tickled by that memory!"

"Ok! Ok! I give! Just don't tell Lilina ANY of that!" shouted the potpie guy. "I don't want her to remember her old man as an idiot or anything like that…"

"As if you weren't one enough," laughed his brother.

"SHUT UP!"

"Ok, then. Now that we've settled on whether to do this or not… How are we going to choose who's going to be the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future?" asked Canas.

"You should be Future, Canas. It was your idea," said the other brother. "Hector should be Past because he's the baby in the family--"

"Quit it, Uther!" protested Hector.

"--And I'll be Present, I guess."

"Sounds like a plan then. We'll haunt the lad on Christmas Eve, which is a couple weeks from now. We'll utilize the time by drawing up a plan on what to tell the lad. Ok, then, let's move out!" Canas, Hector, and Uther disappeared like ghosts, leaving nothing behind (not even the potpie).


	4. What They DIDN'T Show You In Book 3!

**Author's Notes: I meant to update this exactly two weeks from the last chapter, yet I didn't. I promise the next chapter'll be when they do the Christmas Ghost thing. By the way, the thing about Canas being a cat was inspired from the FE fic "A Travling Day". He mispronounced a spell and 3 blacks cats started to follow him. Bartre accidentally shot one of them with a bow and arrow (never teach morons those things), which killed it, then Canas got all evil. Heheh! Too bad that fic's no longer up.**

* * *

A few weeks have gone by since our Christmas Ghosts drew up a plan. It wasn't very easy to do, since they're just newbies. The 14 days before Christmas Eve consisted of stalking our Scrooge (who was making the lives of the other Smashers and guests more unpleasant with each passing day), taking notes on him, consulting experienced Christmas Ghosts, gathering the props and knickknacks, learning how to make flashbacks and flash forwards (Hector kept cursing out the Windows Movie Maker because it kept crashing on him. That's what you get for using it on a slow Windows ME...), and going over everything like Santa. Now all that was left was to wait until everyone's fast asleep at midnight before doing their deed. Of course, this is Christmas Eve in the Smash Mansion we're talking about here, not March 2nd, 1996 at 9 p.m. Pacific Standard Time on Nickelodeon. 

"Dangit! Why isn't everyone tired?!" exclaimed Hector.

"Take a gander at the last sentence of the narration," said Canas. "But I believe that's for 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?'... No, wait. My bad; _that_ comes on at 9:30."

"I miss the old Snick. Haven't you ever wanted a room like that? That's so rockin'," said Uther.

"Too bad that it's gone all downhill since the beginning of the new millennium," grumbled Hector, deciding that talking about the good old days of Nickelodeon would be a good way to pass the time. "Even that show, 'All That', has lost its touch. Remember the old skits like that football player/ballerina? Or 'Vital Information for Your Everyday Life' by Lori Beth? She cracks me up!"

Canas looked around the corner and saw most of the Smashers watching the old Snick that they were just talking about. It wasn't old recordings of it on tape; it airs every Saturday like clockwork as if it was still 1996. Good thing too, because depriving rabid 'Space Cases' fans of their show would be totally catastrophic. Same to all the other shows on Snick. Unlike the one that used to air in our world, the Snick in this world that you are reading about right now is longer with all the old shows that have once aired on our Snick in one block. It also starts at 7 p.m. and goes on longer, until 1 a.m.

"Hmm... Want to cause some trouble, guys?" asked Canas.

"Sure! What should we do?" asked Uther.

"I've noticed that Marth is a big fan of Harry Potter. Should we do something like that?" said Canas.

"Like what?" asked Hector. They all grouped together and began whispering.

Later, Hector was walking down the hallway with a hood and a cloak over him. The stuff were visible, but Hector just looked pale like a normal ghost would. As he walked down, he spotted Marth. Hector gave the others a signal to carry out their prank. Canas turned the lights out of the hallway and Uther turned the air conditioner on high (but it's a silent one, so you wouldn't know if it was on or not). Unfortunately, Marth left the hallway before the lights went out. Instead, Young Link was in there. A few minutes later, the lad screamed and fled into the living room.

"Mah... Mah... Heh... It... A... Har... Poh..." Before Young Link could continue his stuttering, he collapsed.

"What is it?" asked Marth curiously. It wasn't pity he was feeling, but curiosity for what could have petrified the young Hylian so badly.

"Those things! Book 3! From that prison!" choked Young Link.

"You mean dementors?" Marth asked, feeling even more interested in it.

Young Link nodded and looked up at the materialistic prince with hope.

"Are you sure?" Marth asked suspiciously. Young Link nodded again. "Did the area you were in become so dark so suddenly that you could not see your index finger if it was a millimeter from the tip of your nose?" The youth nodded again. "Did the air get so cold that it was hurting your lungs and chest to breathe in the chilly air?" Again, the child nodded. "Did you see a horrible memory that you just wanted to cry for eternity?" Marth was beginning to grin deviously as Young Link nodded again. "Well, show 'im to me then!"

Young Link led Marth to the hallway where his encounter with the Azkaban guard took place. Meanwhile, the ghosts tried to fix their error.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!" bellowed Hector.

"To be precise: you ARE dead," corrected Uther.

"But it's how the dementors take people's souls! Of course, we're not taking souls, just giving him a scare for fun!" said Canas.

"That's because _they've_ never had wretched X-rated yaoi fics with loads of lemons and junk written about _them_!" protested the younger brother.

"Look, you could go haunt and terrorize all of those Hector/Eliwood, and other Hector slash writers once we finish playing Christmas Ghosts," reassured Uther.

"I'll give the kiss thing," said Canas. He got on stilts and placed the dementor costume over his feline body.

As soon as Marth and Young Link entered the hallway, the lights went out and the frigid air circulated around the room. Young Link squeaked out Hylian cuss words (some that are even stronger than some of the words we use in English), while Marth was (surprisingly) excited. Canas walked over to Marth and prepared for the kiss that's not the kind slash writers love when it comes to stories about two cute bishounen (or in this case, a cute bishounen and a cute housecat).

"Hey, what's with the lights?" asked a female's voice.

Just as the faux dementor placed the kiss on Marth's lips, the lights suddenly came on. Canas' hood fell off and revealed the kitty's face. Of course, he was visible in order to do the kiss. Marth saw the so-called dementor's face and his eyes were larger than a Magikarp's. Ellis was the one who turned on the lights and she tried to stifle a snigger. Marth shrieked loudly in a rather unmanly pitch and fainted while Ellis and Young Link began to laugh hysterically. Canas took off running along with the Ostian brothers.

"Is it just me or does every single day get stranger and stranger?" asked Master Hand as he floated by.


End file.
